Thursday, August 8, 2013

Biodynamisists worship crystals: Organics are godless atheists: Conventional wine is Capitalist: Natural wine is made by stinky hippies

There is so much rubbish written about wine and I hope I can add this wee blog to that pile. In this time of ipads, woowoes, grads and tfeads we don't want information we want categorisation and little smart aleck titles and acronyms to fill up our time instead of talking to each other. So here I go at over simplifying the wine industry in four simple categories.

Faith healing Biodynamic rubbish 
Biodynamic farming was developed in the 1920's in response to poor farming practises and deterioration of soils. It has been adapted to viticulture over the last couple of decades (note couldn't be bothered to pin down actual date, this is a Blog after all!) by farmers who have desired an increase in vine health and better quality of produce. This has been shown to have limited beneficial effects as documented in a paper by Jennifer R. Reeve in 2005. However I am sure you could refute this with a dozen other papers on the subject. For me the whole idea of healthy vineyards means that there are no chemicals either leeching into the soil and water table, a healthy strong collection of vines ,and the ability to produce grapes that when vinified need little chemical additions in order to make clean wines. I am sure many biodynamisists would agree with this but maybe they should look beyond the cow horn crystal virgin sacrifice dogma of Steiner and realise that you can do all this with a good organic approach.

Childless, atheist, ex-communist Organic nut cases

Just like all viticultural practises Organics has some dodginess built into its fabric. The biggest problem for me is the use of Bordeaux blend as a treatment against mildews. This introduces copper into the environment which in my opinion can't be a good thing for the future. However by limiting the use of copper and if you are in a relatively dry, windy environment then this approach works very well. You don't have to believe in any eastern mythology or hippy mung bean eating fantasies you just have to spray a bit of sulphur and plow your vineyards with donkeys and viola! And believe it or not you can make wines with organic grapes that tastes good. This can be a mindfield though so always check out the web pages of organic produces. Long hair and paisley clothes could mean that these smelly lavender types might be Natural wine making loonies.

Please stop the natural winemakers

I have ranted about this subject before on Winechakra so I won't waste my time here again. All I will say is that wine should taste like grapes not like cider. Add SO² you nutbags!!!

Capitalist swinedog wines

Finally we come to the last broad generalisation of wines. This is the scum money grabbing Capitalist wine companies that make up 95% (again unresearched stats) of wine produced in the world. These Monsanto funded, environmental terrorists add so much petrochemicals to your wine that it only contains traces of grape. But hell the wine is cheap and how would Tesco/Coles/Intermarch√© etc. survive without these wines. Look for wines that are labelled Sustainable viticulture. These are the most environmentally friendly wines you will find in the capitalist world. Unfortunately in the viticulture world some growers have to spray against diseases that cannot be controlled by organic sprays. Give them a break and remember that good farmers don't want to destroy their land with chemicals as they want to pass healthy farms onto their kids.

Happy holidays and keep on drinking.
Paul Gordon

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